


Pride

by Gho



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, I'm not putting this in the slash tag, Kageyama Tobio-centric, Kageyama is still trying to figure that out, Spoilers for those who only watch the anime, Tsukishima is helping in his own way, because while I love the ship too, friendly reminder that your emotions are valid, let's normalize two guys being emotionally supportive without being ~in love~, nothing really 'shippy' happens here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:48:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22538023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gho/pseuds/Gho
Summary: It's Kageyama's third and final year at Karasuno. And they couldn't win nationals even once. Somehow, he comes to accept it.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio & Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 1
Kudos: 56





	Pride

**Author's Note:**

> spoilers for anime-only watchers

Kageyama knew for a while now that something about his feelings ( and thoughts and actions ) weren't exactly _normal_.

He didn't understand much else beyond that, but even he noticed that much. He didn't always understand why everyone else felt a certain way, and he didn't always agree on what actions would be best in most non-volleyball situations.

And yet this time, it _did_ have something to do with volleyball and he _still_ wasn't feeling the way he apparently should.

"You all did well," Coach Ukai addressed the team. A majority of them were holding back tears, having just suffered a loss that placed them third at nationals. It was frustrating because they were so close to winning, but just fell short. "Nothing about today was a mistake. I'm proud. And you all should be too." He looked at each member of the team, his gaze lingering on each of the current third years. Kageyama met his gaze steadily, though something in the pit of his stomach dropped.

Because, in the end, Kageyama couldn't bring Karasuno gold once in his three years.

_' You all should be too. '_

He trusted Ukai's words. Even though there were times Kageyama didn't follow his suggested plays he knew the value in the coach's wisdom. But still, Kageyama doesn't really feel proud.

He just feels disappointed.

Frustration.

Regret.

If only he made better plays. If only he could have drawn out the spikers' potential more. If only he could have reached that last ball in time...

More and more plays circled through his mind, and he automatically screens through them and notes to himself how he can improve for next time...except, there is no next time for him and Karasuno. No, this was his last spring at Karasuno High. 

Proud, really isn't what he's feeling right now.

"My, the King really can't help but make his strange faces, even till the very end," Tsukishima taunts as he steps besides the setter. Kageyama looks up and sees the rest of the team scatters to collect all their belongings and say goodbye to other schools.

He didn't even realize everyone was getting ready to leave already, he couldn't tell if Yamaguchi made a speech or not after Ukai. He should have paid better attention, as the vice captain. Though he supposes he'll be giving up that position soon, now. He turned back to look at the blond, who was still waiting for his response. By now Kageyama has gotten more or less used to Tsukishima's way of communicating, and if he was being honest, none of the other's taunts really affected him anymore. And yet he still finds himself reacting to them anyways. Usually.

Right now, he can't really muster up any strength to get mad, or come up with a typical response. Not with Ukai's words still echoing in his mind.

_' should be proud '_

If he should be proud, why was it so hard to make himself be? It's not like this was his first loss. It wasn't even his first time losing at nationals. Karasuno lost the past two years as well.

( Somehow, that fact twisted his gut even more )

But he _wanted_ to be proud. He thought back, to his first year. How the third years then had a smile on their faces till the end of the day, despite the few tears that slipped through. How they patted everyone's backs and said how they'll look forward to seeing Karasuno grow next year. He thought of last year. How his senpais had cried more, then. But they still laughed. Still praised everyone's skills with a few last words of wisdom. Without a hint of regret and without anyone speaking of what-ifs.

Each time, the third years left with pride in their eyes and faith in the future. Still being reliable until the very end. Kageyama knew how he should be acting like that now. Knew he should be following his previous upperclassmen's lead...

He can't do it.

He never thought to be one to back down from anything, but this time...

He just doesn't know _how_. 

It's not the first time he's thought this. He's been stumbling since he was given the title of Vice Captain. Somehow he's managed to get by, with the help of the others and Yamaguchi's unwavering lead. But this... 

_He saw the ball's trajectory. Knew that the spike would be a cross hit, knew he had to_ move _, but he was too far. His legs wouldn't move fast enough. His reach just fell short and the ball dropped right in front of his fist ——_

Instead of words of praise, all Kageyama felt like saying to his underclassmen was _sor—_

"Oi, really, what's got you thinking so hard? The match is over, your highness," Tsukishima interrupts his thoughts once more, this time stepping right in front of Kageyama to force the setter's gaze. His brow was furrowed, and he gave a quick look behind him to check on everyone's progress with cleanup before facing Kageyama once more, clearly not intending to move until given an answer. "You usually don't think unless it's about volleyball. I'm surprised you've managed to do so for so long now."

This was familiar, the blunt taunts, and somehow it was a bit reassuring. But his mind was still whirling, and he could tell that they were running out of time, so he blurts out, "I'm not proud."

It was clearly not what Tsukishima was expecting. "Pardon?"

"Coach said that we should be proud...but I'm not proud. I tried to be, but it isn't working and I can't figure out why I'm feeling like this when I _shouldn't_." Kageyama clenched his jaw before he started babbling. It's funny, how things have changed. During their first year Kageyama would have never admitted the truth to Tsukishima of all people, but three years is a long time, and things really do change.

"You're an idiot," Tsukishima sighs.

Well, maybe not _too_ much has changed.

But before Kageyama could really react to such a statement, one that he has heard before but _never_ when it came to volleyball, Tsukishima continues.

"No one who played and lost today is feeling truly proud right now," Tsukishima explains. "The coach wasn't lying, we should be proud, we made it to third in the nation. But right now, we are all thinking the same thing. How we _didn't_ win."

Kageyama looks up as he takes in this new information. It's another thing that has changed. A year or two ago Kageyama would have thought that maybe Tsukishima was messing with him, but now he can tell (somehow?) that the middle blocker is serious. Honest.

"But everyone else agreed with Ukai," Kageyama questions, because although Tsukishima isn't messing with him, it's still hard to process. He's still not good with feelings like other people.

The middle blocker shrugs. "That's because you're too honest. Everyone else is simply hiding their frustration by the skins of their teeth while you're too single minded to do so."

It should have been offensive, but unlike other times Tsukishima insulted him, his face was solemn.

And...it sounded like Tsukishima was saying it was _okay_ for Kageyama to feel like this.

"Yeah, it's okay for you not to be proud right now," the blond answers, as if he read the question right off Kageyama's face. "I don't think Ukai expected us to be either. Not right away. So go ahead and feel however you do. There is no should or shouldn't. In fact, we are pretty much cleaned up, but it looks like goodbyes and celebrations will take a while longer before we are ready to regroup again. Just step away for a bit and feel however you want, no one is going to stop you."

It was a lot, and Kageyama admittedly didn't completely understand what Tsukishima meant, but he stepped away as suggested. A quick look around proved Tsukishima right, as Kageyama spotted his teammates scattered around the gymnasium with different teams, congratulating and accepting congratulations in turn. Hinata himself was zooming from group to group, and was already halfway across the stadium. Kageyama thought he saw Hinata turn and catch his eyes, but that was when the doors shut and cut him off from the celebrations.

He wondered for a moment if he should go back in and see if Hinata needed something, but without even thinking about it, Kageyama turned and continued to walk away.

By the time he stopped walking, his face was streaming with tears and he was definitely biting his lip too harshly.

He couldn't really tell what he was supposed to do now. Tsukishima said that no one felt completely proud right now...but still. Surely there was more to it all. After all, the previous third years were all able to accept the loss with resolution. Why couldn't he? 

He wanted Karasuno to win everything.

The fact that they couldn't...it hurt.

The fact that they were at 100% and still lost, hurts a lot.

Kageyama has said, during his first year. That he wanted to win with the team. With the current Karasuno back then. And it was true. But, he also wanted to win every year after that. He wanted to bring Karasuno Volleyball Club to gold.

But he couldn't.

Not even once.

He didn't know how long he stood there, but eventually his tears did dry up and he felt less frustrated, though not any less disappointed.

"Oi, things are wrapping up and the underclassmen are going to start asking for you soon," Tsukishima calls out. Kageyama didn't even hear the other approach, but it sounded like Tsukishima was right behind him.

Quickly wiping away his tears, Kageyama takes a deep breath and turns around. Tsukishima was further than his voice sounded like, and he wasn't even facing Kageyama's way. The doors was closed and there was nothing he could have been looking at, but he still faced them even though he was clearly here for Kageyama. 

For some reason, it was then that Kageyama understood Ukai's words.

Karasuno brought their 100% today. They didn't win gold, but they still placed third. All the spikers made good hits, making kills and blocks in turn. Everyone's condition was good, and Karasuno managed without a single injury this tournament.

And the first and second years made leaps and bounds with their progress. And Kageyama had no doubts in them only improving from here on out.

They made good connections with the ball today. Hinata had become a core part of their defense, while still shining as their offense. Tsukishima's blocks were hard to shake off, and through the years they manged to create multiple attack combinations that they could rotate between and switch up to throw the opponents off. Yamaguchi was as much of a threat with his servers as ever, and his sense of game play never failed them when they needed it the most.

And he knew, that despite not being able to reach that last ball in the end, there were plenty that he _did_ reach. His tosses, blocks, serves. He even made a decent amount of receives despite usually aiming to be the second touch. He really was in top condition today. His tosses were precise to the very end. 

It wasn't just them, either.

Their second year wing spiker was jumping much higher than he could last year. Their new libero was able to follow the ball and made plays Nishinoya would have been proud of. The first year setter has good handle of the ball, and decent blocks too. Kageyama has talked about various strategies with him, and together they came up with good game plays that gained them many points. He, Hinata, Tsukishima, and Yamaguchi really inspired various underclassmen, and they spent much of training passing on whatever knowledge they could. Yachi got a new manager for the club, who quickly began to keep on top of reminding everyone to rest when needed while learning how to created posters to gain the support Karasuno needed. 

He could see a bright future for Karasuno, even if he wouldn't be a part of the team next year.

And yeah, thinking of all of that...

"Do you need me to stall the underclassmen?" Tsukishima half turns in question when Kageyama once again took too long to reply, but the setter shakes his head and they make their way back to center stage.

Tsukishima was right, everyone was looking for them. Once they were spotted a sea of black approached them, and Kageyama could now make out the hints of frustration in everyone's faces that he couldn't before. And though he understood that his earlier emotions were fine after all, now...

"Hey, Tsukishima," Kageyama said before everyone reached them, "I think I'm proud after all."

And he doesn't see Tsukishima's expression, and he's still not great at understanding feelings, but he thinks Tsukishima is smiling when he answers, "Me too."

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact, I actually wrote this before the chapter where Karasuno lost came out. Somehow this fell into place among canon a lot better than I thought it would have, so I made some small changes to make it fit more and here we are. This is incredibly self-indulgent. It's mostly just Kageyama rambling in his mind, so sorry if it was a bit boring. Hope you liked anyways!


End file.
